It is said that people who commit suicide are cowards...they are essentially escapist...and whenever I read or heard something like that I would think what crap...it takes so much courage to end your life...to decide the last moments of your life..to take the final plunge...to know that you will not live to see tomorrow...

But now I see it there is no bravery in that...it takes infinitely more courage to stay alive and face the consequences...

Say today if i decided that THIS IS IT..I can't take it anymore and commit suicide..I know I can do it...I live alone...if I slash my wrists...or hang myself...or tie a plastic bag around my head and suffocate it will be atleast 12-13 hours before my flatmates find out...by that time I'll be where nothing can ever touch me...

But can I really be so selfish...

Can I not spare a thought for my parents...that probably I'll not only kill myself I'll kill them too...just for moment if I think of my dad's face when he has to come down here to take my body home...can I imagine him travelling all the way back taking me in a casket...what will be his state of mind...does he really deserve this...and what about my mom...and my sister..and God she's pregnant too...I can't do this to them..

Probably if I make it seem like an accident then they don't have to face the reality that their daughter was so depressed that she did not even confide in them...that she actually decided to end her life cuz she couldn't bear to face things anymore...But then if I try to just jump in front of a car or truck or something...what if I don't die and end up becoming an amputee...that would just worsen things...

I realized that I will be gone away from it all...but I will hurt all those people who stood by me unconditionally...they don't deserve this for all the love and support that they gave me...its like I am bailing out on them just because I don't want to face it anymore...leaving them to bear the pain of my death...very convenient..

Sometimes real life is so frighteningly real...sometimes you feel that life is like sand slipping between your fingers...sometimes life just dosn't seem like life anymore...its just a lot of noise..chaos and choices...difficult choices...