Me and "him"...

Don't know why but have been giving "him" an exceptionally hard time ever since i came here...
no i am not that mean dat i conciously do it..but its just that i've been so snappy...
most of the times it wasn't his fault...but then dat dosn't mean he's quite the little angel..he's done his bit to flare me up...but then lost my cool so much that i ended up making him feel like a creep...
I wonder how n why he tolerates this level of erratic behaviour...but then thank god he does!!
He's possibly the only person who i listen to when he points out where all i'm making mistakes...n unfortunately he makes a lot of sense when he does that so can't defy his logic either...
I think i've become a bit irritable after i cam here...initial settling down issues i guess...also most of d times when i talk to him at nite i hav sumthng or the other at the back of my mind..some assignment to be completed..some chapter to be read...which is why the impatience comes thru...so why then do i lose my cool when he says he's busy?why when i so easily speak my mind do i expect him to say exactly what i want to hear?
I am here on my own...but then so is he...infact he's worse off than me...alone in a city he dosn't care for much...in a job which isn't really his dream come true...coming back to an empty home day in n day out...n there i am at the end of the day telling him how mean he is...how can i be so unfair....
If i am learning to be responsible about my life...more dutiful towards my family...i should also be more responsible to my relationship...cribbing...fighting...doubting..nagging n pushing things to the edge never really helped anyone...
Saving grace is that "he" does understand all of this n stands by me all throughout...
No wonder my mom n sis are so amazed at how we two unlikeliest of people got together...i just got lucky i guess....*touchwood*!!! :)

Miles away.....

Its been a month since i left home on 30th May...although it now seems like ages...

Days have been flying by really fast here...but it really dosn't seem like a month rather a year since I came here...

When i think back the one vivid pic that keeps coming back to my mind is when at the airport entrance i looked back ...dad,mom n dids were standing there...i looked back thrice...it was like taking mental pic of the three most important people of my life who i wudn't be seeing for another six months...

n that pic remains...everytime i close my eyes...everytime i feel homesick..that vision keeps coming back to me....we don't have too many family pics actually..infact most of them feature three of us at max since the 4th one was behind the camera...that vision is what i keep holding on to...

Made a concious effort not to cry at the airport..becuz i knew that wud make them miserable too...so put up a brave front although the minute i turned back after waving at them i felt like breaking down...which i did eventually when didi called me to check if everythng was fine wid the tickets n all...sumhow cudn't hold it back then n sobbed quietly for the next hour waiting...cried when the flight took off to n saw home fading away into the clouds..it was overwhelming to realize that now i am pretty much on my own...26 years of sheltered existence for me..i didn't know what lay ahead and how i'd handle it...being the youngest at home i was always the spolit brat...always given the benefit of doubt that "she's a kid..she won't be able to do it"...

no i wasn't in doubt abt my decision ever...this is something i had to do i knew...not only for my career but also i knew it was high time i needed to evolve as a person n not be the complacent...irresponsible..low self esteem person that i was...so i kind of promised myself to make it all worthwhile...so when i come back home my mom would be happy to see the changes she'd been trying to instill in me for so long

The past month has been a flurry of activities..n the coming months are showing promise of being living hell...am feeling the heat but keeping the faith...there was this nice quote i came across on the net...it kept me going in the MBA prep days-"If God has brought you to it, he will see you through it"...

Except for the acad pressure which the less said abt the better...everything else is fine...hostel room is cool...roomies are the quite sorts but nice n adjusting(touchwood)....food is ....ermmm...well...edible..n nobody has been poisoned yet...so guess dat qualifies as good enuff!!

as for doing my own stuff myself...i really don't mind the laundry..cleaning room n bathroom bit...infact i realize why my mom was so finicky abt keeping the house clean...after all it is my place n apna kaam khud karne me koi sharm ki baat to hai nahi...now when i clean the bathroom i don't think yuks..like i did when mom did it at home...bcuz there is this satisfaction in doing ur own thing urself...

I see myself getting sumwhat more responsible now...learning to actually prioritise work..organize things....n very importantly realized that i can be adjusting if i want to..

at home...i'd love my own space..lying arnd doing nothng..or dng what i feel like...any interruptions,any request to get some work done wud be dealt with rather rudely...most of d times i wud be the brat...snapping at mom,dad or dids if anythng was not to my liking...very annoyingly doing the very same thing i was told not to do...but now 24X7 i am surrounded by people...even in d room thr's either of the roomies or both...n no i'm not snappy at all...i know out here nobody's going to digest my tantrums..why shud they nyways?!this is sumthng my mom was always afraid of...my snapping at people...my lack of sense when it comes to the appropriate thing to be said n when...she'd be happy to know that i am learning to tone down...

Its ironic that when i was at home..i'd constantly fight with mom..get in her way...n pray to get out of home when she wud nag, i wud crave for the freedom...the feeling of not being answerable to anyone...n now ironically its mom that i miss the most..maybe bcuz i know that dad n dids have their work n their respective circles to keep them buzy...but mom has just the three of us...n the last ten months i spent at home has spoilt her habit of being all alone at home...all our bickerings...fights..not talking to each other must keep coming back to her...before i left, she used to keep saying that u r pretty much leaving for good...n thats true really however much i try to not face it...after my MBA..whether its for my job or my marriage i'll be out of home from now onwards...even if i lose track of time now she reminds me that it 20 days since i left...so every single day even if i don't talk to didi or dad..i make it a point to talk to mom...even if its the same old...i'm fine..how r u...i just had etc etc...cuz i know she waits all day to hear my voice...ideally i'd have liked to call her twice in a day but tight schedules n no phone usage rules don't allow that...i know with time she'll get used to it...n i hope she does that fast cuz its heartbreaking for me to see her missing me so much...

infact was surprised to see that in marketing management..they actually have a term for this..."Empty nest" segment of consumers they call it...dunno why the normally funny professor digressed from d topic while teaching n asked "how many times have u felt that ur parents are obsolete".."how many times have u told them oh wat do u know!!".."how many times have they bought clothes for themselves and not u"..."how many times have u told them that u don't have time to talk to them right now"...but look back n think how many times have ur parents not have had time for u...he said just remember all u oh-so busy people...every minute's delay in calling ur parents means that one more minute u r making them wait to hear your voice...true that u have a lot going on in your lives but your parents have just you...so never make them wait...

felt like such a creep then...though i hav promised myself to call mom twice a day...i hardly manage to talk to her for more than 10-15 mins at night...n i get that lil tingly feeling up my nose everytime she says i was waiting for ur call, how have you been...dids tells me the days i'm late in calling..she keeps checking every 5 mins whether atleast i've msged or not... :(

Meanwhile my sis made me cry by writing this lovely post about us...

http://my-scribbling-pad.blogspot.com/2008/06/my-sis-has-grown-up.html

No more weepy-weepy...i know if i stay happy here that'll be more than enuff for my family...so although the acads continue to be a pain..i will enjoy the experience while i am at it...wish me luck!! :)