It is said that people who commit suicide are cowards...they are essentially escapist...and whenever I read or heard something like that I would think what crap...it takes so much courage to end your life...to decide the last moments of your life..to take the final plunge...to know that you will not live to see tomorrow...

But now I see it there is no bravery in that...it takes infinitely more courage to stay alive and face the consequences...

Say today if i decided that THIS IS IT..I can't take it anymore and commit suicide..I know I can do it...I live alone...if I slash my wrists...or hang myself...or tie a plastic bag around my head and suffocate it will be atleast 12-13 hours before my flatmates find out...by that time I'll be where nothing can ever touch me...

But can I really be so selfish...

Can I not spare a thought for my parents...that probably I'll not only kill myself I'll kill them too...just for moment if I think of my dad's face when he has to come down here to take my body home...can I imagine him travelling all the way back taking me in a casket...what will be his state of mind...does he really deserve this...and what about my mom...and my sister..and God she's pregnant too...I can't do this to them..

Probably if I make it seem like an accident then they don't have to face the reality that their daughter was so depressed that she did not even confide in them...that she actually decided to end her life cuz she couldn't bear to face things anymore...But then if I try to just jump in front of a car or truck or something...what if I don't die and end up becoming an amputee...that would just worsen things...

I realized that I will be gone away from it all...but I will hurt all those people who stood by me unconditionally...they don't deserve this for all the love and support that they gave me...its like I am bailing out on them just because I don't want to face it anymore...leaving them to bear the pain of my death...very convenient..

Sometimes real life is so frighteningly real...sometimes you feel that life is like sand slipping between your fingers...sometimes life just dosn't seem like life anymore...its just a lot of noise..chaos and choices...difficult choices...

Random blah blah as I sit in Stats class....

Days fly by really fast here...but seems like ages since i've been here...do i call it home...well no..not really...i don't like it and i don't dislike it...but yes i seem to have fitted into the scheme of things...

Days merge into weeks..weeks into months..n now its been two whole months since i've been here...needless to say things hav been eventful from day zero...

OBL from day 2...where i ended up doing two things i never thot i cud achieve...trekking all the way up to the Sinhgadh Fort...n ropewalking...am a complete non-adventure sporty person..par chalo batane layak kuch to kiya atleast :P

The acads scene has been bad..i suck at quant...n 80% of the course is quant based...more than half of the courses r those in which i have no interest watsoever...but have to go thru the grind cuz thr's no choice...n added to that r the FCQ thingies..surprise tests on any of the 13 core subjects dat we have...its a very good concept on paper...students hav to be udated abt every subject so shudn't be a major issue..but dats what the profs take on that...

But the actual scene is obviously wayyyyyyy different...leading to wild speculations..."X spoke to prof Y who confirmed he hadn't submitteed the paper so definitely it'll be Subject Z but then that isn't covered is Div C na...toh surely it'll be G this time!"..prof's innocent remarks...or maybe a half smile dissected over n over to see any subtle pointing towards an impending FCQ on his paprer...wild prep schedules zeroing in on say 4-5 probabale subjects n alloting a prep time of say 30 mins at max to each...somewhere down the line it won't pay off...we r studying just to pass..stay afloat thanks to the relative grading saviour...except for the major ghissus i wonder if anybody at all is learning anythng..reminds me of my engineering sem days...

Hav been trying to balance padhai n personal life thru all this flurry of activities...unfortunately hav not been able to keep the promise i made to myself abt calling mom twice... :(....but the rather than saying a hurried hi n bye..it makes more sense to take to her at leisure at night...but thehn thr's no leisure...cuz whatever lil time i get at night...i hav to squeeze in conversation with ghar n the "gharwala"....we r constantly told to cut down on"wasteful activities"---->phone obviously n study...learn..blah blah blah...

But so far have not had to do nythng of that sort...but yes sometimes the conversations do have to be cut short...kya kare...

Wat upsets me at times is not the acads pressure...woh toh hota rahega...but when the acad n my personal domain cross each other...too much work cutting into my private space...hurried coversations with worries of an impending WAC case...chances of grounding during Diwali....chances of major project viva during sis's wedding time...much as i try to keep the two discreet...don't know how much i can manage...

These days i quite surprise myself by my changing attitude towards things ...overworked yes but not stressed out as yet...sometimes exasperated at the unfairness of the sytem but hav learnt not to be the rebel who eventually turns out to be the scapegoat...so am just going with the flow...learning to prioritise...not to get hurt very easily...give loads of gyan to the freshers who i see making the same mistakes i used to...making n unmaking friends...n learning to look at people as acquaintances more than friends a trait i thot i wud never develop...but one that can keep u alive n kicking in this day n age....

people have different ways of dealing with life in a B-school...some concentrate on acads..sojme stress on extra-curriculars...some on holistic learning experinces whatever that means(?!!)...i guess i'll take it as a maturing experience for me...learning life's lil lessons i had so far been turning my back to... :)

Me and "him"...

Don't know why but have been giving "him" an exceptionally hard time ever since i came here...
no i am not that mean dat i conciously do it..but its just that i've been so snappy...
most of the times it wasn't his fault...but then dat dosn't mean he's quite the little angel..he's done his bit to flare me up...but then lost my cool so much that i ended up making him feel like a creep...
I wonder how n why he tolerates this level of erratic behaviour...but then thank god he does!!
He's possibly the only person who i listen to when he points out where all i'm making mistakes...n unfortunately he makes a lot of sense when he does that so can't defy his logic either...
I think i've become a bit irritable after i cam here...initial settling down issues i guess...also most of d times when i talk to him at nite i hav sumthng or the other at the back of my mind..some assignment to be completed..some chapter to be read...which is why the impatience comes thru...so why then do i lose my cool when he says he's busy?why when i so easily speak my mind do i expect him to say exactly what i want to hear?
I am here on my own...but then so is he...infact he's worse off than me...alone in a city he dosn't care for much...in a job which isn't really his dream come true...coming back to an empty home day in n day out...n there i am at the end of the day telling him how mean he is...how can i be so unfair....
If i am learning to be responsible about my life...more dutiful towards my family...i should also be more responsible to my relationship...cribbing...fighting...doubting..nagging n pushing things to the edge never really helped anyone...
Saving grace is that "he" does understand all of this n stands by me all throughout...
No wonder my mom n sis are so amazed at how we two unlikeliest of people got together...i just got lucky i guess....*touchwood*!!! :)

Miles away.....

Its been a month since i left home on 30th May...although it now seems like ages...

Days have been flying by really fast here...but it really dosn't seem like a month rather a year since I came here...

When i think back the one vivid pic that keeps coming back to my mind is when at the airport entrance i looked back ...dad,mom n dids were standing there...i looked back thrice...it was like taking mental pic of the three most important people of my life who i wudn't be seeing for another six months...

n that pic remains...everytime i close my eyes...everytime i feel homesick..that vision keeps coming back to me....we don't have too many family pics actually..infact most of them feature three of us at max since the 4th one was behind the camera...that vision is what i keep holding on to...

Made a concious effort not to cry at the airport..becuz i knew that wud make them miserable too...so put up a brave front although the minute i turned back after waving at them i felt like breaking down...which i did eventually when didi called me to check if everythng was fine wid the tickets n all...sumhow cudn't hold it back then n sobbed quietly for the next hour waiting...cried when the flight took off to n saw home fading away into the clouds..it was overwhelming to realize that now i am pretty much on my own...26 years of sheltered existence for me..i didn't know what lay ahead and how i'd handle it...being the youngest at home i was always the spolit brat...always given the benefit of doubt that "she's a kid..she won't be able to do it"...

no i wasn't in doubt abt my decision ever...this is something i had to do i knew...not only for my career but also i knew it was high time i needed to evolve as a person n not be the complacent...irresponsible..low self esteem person that i was...so i kind of promised myself to make it all worthwhile...so when i come back home my mom would be happy to see the changes she'd been trying to instill in me for so long

The past month has been a flurry of activities..n the coming months are showing promise of being living hell...am feeling the heat but keeping the faith...there was this nice quote i came across on the net...it kept me going in the MBA prep days-"If God has brought you to it, he will see you through it"...

Except for the acad pressure which the less said abt the better...everything else is fine...hostel room is cool...roomies are the quite sorts but nice n adjusting(touchwood)....food is ....ermmm...well...edible..n nobody has been poisoned yet...so guess dat qualifies as good enuff!!

as for doing my own stuff myself...i really don't mind the laundry..cleaning room n bathroom bit...infact i realize why my mom was so finicky abt keeping the house clean...after all it is my place n apna kaam khud karne me koi sharm ki baat to hai nahi...now when i clean the bathroom i don't think yuks..like i did when mom did it at home...bcuz there is this satisfaction in doing ur own thing urself...

I see myself getting sumwhat more responsible now...learning to actually prioritise work..organize things....n very importantly realized that i can be adjusting if i want to..

at home...i'd love my own space..lying arnd doing nothng..or dng what i feel like...any interruptions,any request to get some work done wud be dealt with rather rudely...most of d times i wud be the brat...snapping at mom,dad or dids if anythng was not to my liking...very annoyingly doing the very same thing i was told not to do...but now 24X7 i am surrounded by people...even in d room thr's either of the roomies or both...n no i'm not snappy at all...i know out here nobody's going to digest my tantrums..why shud they nyways?!this is sumthng my mom was always afraid of...my snapping at people...my lack of sense when it comes to the appropriate thing to be said n when...she'd be happy to know that i am learning to tone down...

Its ironic that when i was at home..i'd constantly fight with mom..get in her way...n pray to get out of home when she wud nag, i wud crave for the freedom...the feeling of not being answerable to anyone...n now ironically its mom that i miss the most..maybe bcuz i know that dad n dids have their work n their respective circles to keep them buzy...but mom has just the three of us...n the last ten months i spent at home has spoilt her habit of being all alone at home...all our bickerings...fights..not talking to each other must keep coming back to her...before i left, she used to keep saying that u r pretty much leaving for good...n thats true really however much i try to not face it...after my MBA..whether its for my job or my marriage i'll be out of home from now onwards...even if i lose track of time now she reminds me that it 20 days since i left...so every single day even if i don't talk to didi or dad..i make it a point to talk to mom...even if its the same old...i'm fine..how r u...i just had etc etc...cuz i know she waits all day to hear my voice...ideally i'd have liked to call her twice in a day but tight schedules n no phone usage rules don't allow that...i know with time she'll get used to it...n i hope she does that fast cuz its heartbreaking for me to see her missing me so much...

infact was surprised to see that in marketing management..they actually have a term for this..."Empty nest" segment of consumers they call it...dunno why the normally funny professor digressed from d topic while teaching n asked "how many times have u felt that ur parents are obsolete".."how many times have u told them oh wat do u know!!".."how many times have they bought clothes for themselves and not u"..."how many times have u told them that u don't have time to talk to them right now"...but look back n think how many times have ur parents not have had time for u...he said just remember all u oh-so busy people...every minute's delay in calling ur parents means that one more minute u r making them wait to hear your voice...true that u have a lot going on in your lives but your parents have just you...so never make them wait...

felt like such a creep then...though i hav promised myself to call mom twice a day...i hardly manage to talk to her for more than 10-15 mins at night...n i get that lil tingly feeling up my nose everytime she says i was waiting for ur call, how have you been...dids tells me the days i'm late in calling..she keeps checking every 5 mins whether atleast i've msged or not... :(

Meanwhile my sis made me cry by writing this lovely post about us...

http://my-scribbling-pad.blogspot.com/2008/06/my-sis-has-grown-up.html

No more weepy-weepy...i know if i stay happy here that'll be more than enuff for my family...so although the acads continue to be a pain..i will enjoy the experience while i am at it...wish me luck!! :)

P.S to prev post :)

Just as i'd suspected...S is abt as crazy as I am :D
She's written this luvly testimonial for me...n put up a post on her blog too!!
N u bet am happy abt it...not only becuz it makes me feel good dat a person i think of so highly also thinks i'm worth somethng ..
but also cuz it puts to rest the teeny little suspicion that I had that probably S means wayyyyyyyy more to me than possibly I do to her...
I always felt dat S was the very confident independent sorts who'd be able to face whatever situaions comes her way apne dum par...so was never really sure whether mere hone ya na hone se kuch farq padta hai ya nahi..
But her reaction says it all!
I'd said in d prev post i was apprehensive whether our friendship wud be same as it is now...wud we few years down the line be able to open up to each other as easily as we can now....but from what I know of S...she's one of those people who take time to open up but when they do...they give all to the friendship...
Am so so comforted by her gestures...cuz I know these r spontaneous ones...S is incapable of forced niceties i know...
Yesss...u guessed rite...me n S do have our own little mutual admiration society!! :)

All the best S....will miss u!!

Met S yesterday...to say tata-bye byes before leaving...

But just abt said the tatas...n best of luck..but left so much unsaid..

Most imp of which wud have been a big "Thank You" for everythng..S is one person besides my immediate family who's made my MBA dream possible...everythng starting from the very idea..the motivation...d support...d ideas...d way forward...came from her..

I don't remember the last time when someone's desperation made me so worried..and when someone's success had me jumping on the bed...

S is pretty non-religious n non superstitious...but in all my MBA related prayers to God...I used to put in a good word for her always :)

It strange how the girl who I was so wary of in office...who I thot wid be the snooty snobbish uptite kinds..turned out to be such a great friend of mine...infact I wud rate her as one of the most helpful people I've ever met.. not to mention amazingly down to earth..

I wudn't say S n me r the best of friends..atleast we have never acknowledged it that way..we both know that in a particular phase of our lives we stuck to each other n did what we cud for each other...the whole MBA thing not a you n me but a "we have to do it" kinda thing...

There were times I'd spend more time wid her in a day than i did with my own sister...we'd be stuck on d phone all day...leading to several speculations about our ahemmmmmmm "preferences" :P...everytime she called...Mom wud smirk n say "Oh..girlfriend's calling!!"

We mite not end up being frnds for life...cuz we have had a relationship more of mutual respect maybe if I could say so rather than backslapping bonhomie...but yes friends don't hav to hold ur hand n walk the entire journey of life..along the way u meet people who r thr to help u cross that difficult stretch..S is exactly dat for me...

I am quite in awe of her actually...she's a neat 3 yrs younger than me...but 3 times more mature...n i for some strange reason am quite scared of getting on her wrong side..don't ask me why..i dunno!!:-O

It wud be terribly corny if i say thanks to S...infact yesterday was happily surprised when she gave me a hug..S is one those very no-nonsense kind of people...very non-mushy sorts...so dat gesture coming from her caught me off guard...but yes that is exactly what I would have liked to do too... :)

Now that both of us will be mighty busy...i'll miss all our chats..talking abt everythng under the sun...every teeny lil fear..apprehension..stupidity...gossip..bng discussed wid her..cuz i fear its not really gng to be the same between us from hence forth...we'll be in touch for sure...but wonder whatour friendship will be like from now on..

Thanks S and S's family...they don't make people like u anymore...its been a pleasure knowing u all :)

IPL bug bites my sis!!

The sister had gone to see the IPL match between Kolkata Knight Riders and Chennai Superkings today with a bunch of office colleagues. Well its really nothing to do about the cricket ofcourse...but more of a picnic of sorts where u hav a chance of seeing some celebrities and hav a blink n miss appearance on TV provided the camera guy is nice enuff.
So to ensure this "TV appearance"..flashy banners needed to be made...n since I am supposed to be the oh so creative one..was put to the job...
Tried to wriggle out of the situation by giving stuff like ..
"East or west..
Knightriders r the best"...now where have i heard that one before..hmmm
"Gali gali me shor hai
Dhoni ki team chor hai" ...yes yes..very innovative I can be..
But no..it wasn't so easy to squirm out of it..so had to get down to work..
So here are the gems that finally made it to the banners-
"Dil me mere hai dard-e disco..
Dhoni team leke eden se khisco!!"

"KKR ke do do shaan
Dada aur Shahrukh khan"
errrrr...I am not sure how Shoaib n all will react to this one..will all due respects to the team!!
Then there was ...
"Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
Dhoni wicket pe sota hai!!"
and finally...errrrr....
"Bolo Om shanti Om
Dhoni ke peeche maro bom"
(Note: Bom---> Bomb in bengali)
This rear attack might not have gone down too well i guess...censorship issues n all...so it was toned down to.....
"Om shanti om
Dhoni go home"
sigh..i know...it kinda lost d zing na...kya kare...
But as luck wud have it...KKR sank...so eventually the banner which wud have been more apt...
"Dada ke saath huyi anhoni
Match jeet gaya Dhoni" :-O

I had suggested carrying two way banners...one side for KKR n the other for Chennai Superkings...a subtle flick of the arm n voila u r on the winning side...but if only genius was appreciated..hmph!!

So, the sister went to the stadium all equipped with a white cap(bought specially for the occasion), sunglasses(more to complete the "look" rather than the shade part of it), sunscreen, snacks, banners and a crash course in cricket so that she wudn't shout "goal!!goal!!" everytime sumone hit a 4 or 6!!

She called me from the stadium..muchos excited abt seeing Dhoni and Shoaib...and trying wildly to see Juhi Chawla...game did u ask..nah who's got time for that!! :-D
At the end of the day... her celebrity count has been Dhoni,Shoaib,Shahrukh and Ishant Sharma who actually waved at them...*swoon*!!!:-P
Well the team lost..but she's happy...had good fun..saw the song n dance routine and some cricket thrown in...dats what IPL is all about to me..a lot of sho-sha with a little cricket on the side...just so that noone complains that its all a big tamasha!!
P.S : Ahhh...since am on d topic of Knightriders...came across this analysis of Knightrider's shameful loss in the last match...the expert panel on this news channel had guess who...no not Sidhu..not Charu Sharma...not even Mandira Bedi can u believe dat...tch tch...but an Astrologist...hmmmmm...
His analysis said that the black jersey of Knightriders is the colour of Shani...which is unlucky for them..chalo thik hai man liya...and then he gives this gem...left me quite clean bowled..so can't say he knew nothng of cricket..bilkul sahi googly dala!!
He said "Aur unka naam dekhiye...Night matlab Raat...raat hoti hai kaali..toh aap dekh sakte hai kaise kaale rang ka asar hai inpe"!!Koi spelling thik karvao yaar iski...yeh toh definitely paanchvi paas se tez nahi hai!!
Kahan kahan se le aate hai...not his fault though as much as the news channel's which was hosting the show..huh!!